Where goeth I?

Post-retreat continued. Surely you didn’t think my last entry in this strange journey was going to be my … well, last? (Warning to any new friends, you’ll need to go back to January this year in order to catch up!)


So - how am I doing? Well I stopped going to see my therapist last week, we both decided that I didn’t need to see her any more. So that’s a good thing. In general I’m ok. I’ve found some of my anxiety has come back, which is annoying. Nothing major or about anyone, just a slightly increased level of unease. My mind is beginning to race a bit more and split off into separate channels, each one doing their own thing. (At the moment, the Spanish Armarda, these thoughts, the ending of Butch Cassidy… Nfi!)

Professionally fine. Toddling along from one course to the next. 

Relationship wise: IYKYK. And if you do, please tell me cos I’ve no idea!

I’m a little more jittery than I have been. I put it down in part to the fact I sleep on average less than 5 hours a night. Strong coffee last thing at night is helping a bit though. As for other drugs of choice you’ll need to skip over to my blog page. Oh look, and here you are. Didn’t have anything for 3 months after the retreat. I wanted the new thought processes to get properly embedded, because I was concerned that another psychedelic could undo all the work I’d done. Suffice to say, it didn’t. It was a bit weird being high for no particular purpose, but very nice indeed.I did very early on try a joint, but I got terrible thoughts, real paranoia stuff, so soon stopped that. Hasn’t bothered me since though. 

I seem to have created a role for myself as social media manager for the society that looks after our lovely wood. Im enjoying playing with that. 

I’ve still got a fair amount of energy and I’m enjoying being able to cope with more than one thing a day. 

I’m not really thinking about my childhood any more. Im trying hard to remember the good things we did, and treat them both with compassion and understanding. Not necessarily forgiveness mind you. As for the inner child, I think I’m at peace there. He was a poor little lost kid with no confidence and no help trying to navigate by himself through the monumental loss of his grandmother. He did the very best he could, and found a solution that worked. (My mother said afterwards “you were always crying and then one day you stopped dead, packed all the photos and London memorabilia up, and never cried again.”) That solution has come back to haunt me for the rest of my life unfortunately, but he did the best he could with what he had. 

Grief. Ah, that one was the kicker wasn’t it. Im still ok with Jill’s death (to the extent that I no longer stop before typing it) and the old guilt tracks are firmly gone. I did everything I could in my power and a few other things as well to keep her with me. Grief will always walk besides me, I think we are welded at the hip. Guilt however has gone. It’s worth repeating it, sorry - that’s more for my benefit than anyone else’s. The more that I acknowledge I’ve nothing to feel guilty about, the more I’m cementing new, healthier thought Trainlines in place. Im doing that a lot, and trying more to catch the language I use about myself. I can still overthink, but I’m keeping it under control. 

I feel a little like I’m at an imaginary crossroads at twilight in the middle of a forest. Careerwise I could carry on working, but I don’t need to. If I stop, what do I do instead? Relationship wise, just don’t go there, that would be a terrible idea. 

So all in all a mixed bag I think. Still no regrets at all in doing the retreat, it was amazing and awful at once. I’d 100% recommend it instead of going onto antidepressants. I just don’t trust them at all now. 

Im hoping this …. Unsettledness …. Is just a blip in an upward journey. But that’s why I’m keeping a record, so I can plot how I’m doing. So where do we go from here? Not sure yet. It’ll be interesting to find out.

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