The aftermath

 I’m exhausted. It’s been a long few days now, and my head is still whirling with new thoughts and ideas. But I know I did the right thing. I believed in myself, and trusted my intuition and my brain came through and worked hand in hand with psilocybin to give me what I needed. I wanted to be able to say goodbye to the past. But I’ll admit it’s still scary; so many of us prefer to live in a familiar hell rather than explore an unfamiliar heaven. Not that it IS a heaven of course, but you know what I mean. 

I’ve decided that this year I’m going to take a flight in a Spitfire. I’ve wanted to do so for years, but never have, for no good reason other than to punish myself by not doing it. Those days are, I hope a thing of the past, but for the next few weeks and months I have to be really cautious not to regress to different ways, old ways which are more familiar, so I’m going to continue to see my therapist. 

I’m going to start wearing more colour as well. I’ll go through my wardrobe and throw out all the darker colours, and replace them with more pink, yellow and orange. Not only because it makes me happy, but to honour Jill’s memory. I’m going to start reading more physical books, rather than audio. I haven’t read one of those in the longest times and it’s time to start again. 

I’ve already started to do new things I’ve never done before. I applied for a place on The Traitors, and have already got past the first round. I managed to chat on the radio to a favourite talk show host about AI. I’ve done the retreat, and on Monday night got elected onto the committee of a local woodland society. That’s 4 things already and there’s still a week of January left. 

Self care and compassion is going to become more important as well. Monthly visits to a nail salon, more board games all to get me more comfortable with being me. And perhaps earlier nights, although it’s already 1.30! Which is time for bed. 

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