Where I’m going from here

 More retreat pondering. 

Just when you thought it was safe to peer back in my posts, there’s another one! I was really interested in working out exactly what happened to my brain during the trip. I had what is called a “heroic” dose of psilocybin (pronounced sill-o-sy-ben) which for everyone else “you took HOW MUCH?”  and it should have worked really quickly, and then 36 hours later I got my revelations. Did I experience an “ego death” or not? Why didn’t I get any visuals?


So obviously I had to go looking. Apparently from everything I’ve read to wait for 5 hours for an effect is highly unusual. So this is what I think happened. My default mode network (DMN) which is the bit of the brain that holds the ego, feelings of self etc, first of all pushed the feelings of grief way down. It also knew they were there, and it was protecting itself from them. At the same time the DMN knew at some point I’d probably experience those feelings.  So in a sense, it was a little bit at war with itself. 


Then along comes psilocybin to pay a visit. Now the drug is just a drug, it’s not some sort of sentient being - it doesn’t know where it’s going to go or what it’s going to do… it’s just a facilitator. So it does what it knows how to do, which is to try and depress the DMN. Now part of my DMN didn’t want to relinquish control at all. That’s the bit that thinks “no! Emotions are bad, we don’t want to experience them”, and it fights the psilocybin, all unbeknownst to me just lying there waiting for something to happen. Turns out it already was, I just couldn’t tell. So it keeps banging away having a right old tussle. And it’s really bloody strong! Eventually the psilocybin breaks through, suppresses the DMN and then the emotions come out, and the drug just amplifies them to a ridiculous degree. As more of the emotions came out, the stronger they were; the floodgates had opened. 


And this is why I didn’t have any visual effects either. The whole focus was turned inwards, because that’s also what the DMN knew was needed, and it didn’t have time to waste presenting me with pretty pictures. Plus my whole life is centred around words, both for pleasure and professionally. So I don’t have a natural affinity with visuals in that way. If I took it again (which obviously I’d only do where it was legal!) because I didn’t have the DMN protecting that emotional block, it might allow me to see some of them, but I’m still doubtful. 


The reason that I only started making new connections way after the event is however, quite normal. The “new thoughts” are all the neurons kicking off, having been released from their previous shackles placed there by the DMN. Although it’s back in control, it’s all too late - the thoughts are free, free! Also the neuroplasticity (try saying that when you’re drunk!) where my brain is making these new connections is making it even easier to make the new connections. I do hope you’re still with me!


Did I have an “ego death”? No, I’m pretty sure what I had was ego dissolution because part of the ego was still in some control while I was having the experience. It couldn’t stop it, and I knew why I said some of the things I did, so part of it was still there. I actually love the idea that although the drug had pretty much left my system by then it left behind the ability to make new connections, have new ideas and so on. And it’s still happening even now; I’m still having new thoughts and ways of thinking about me and my life, thoughts I’ve never really had before. 


So how am I now? Almost two weeks after the event I’m much happier and calmer than I was before it. More than one person has said that my voice on the phone is different. A much more varied cadence in fact and generally much lighter. I’ve certainly got more energy to do things, and those things that I knew would have been daunting before the retreat were just normal things to do; some of them actually fun! I’m also more confident in myself I think, and I’m really starting to have more trust in my intuition; it didn’t let me down before the retreat, despite me thinking it did. I’m beginning to trust myself even more, and if I can travel abroad to meet a group of total strangers to take psychedelic drugs, I can go into a pub to meet a bunch of people I’ve never met before. 


Another question I was asked is “do I have as many simultaneous thoughts as before?” I still have several tracks running at once, thinking different things, having imaginary conversations with people and so on, but they’re not as intrusive or as demanding of attention. However, I can now take any tea bag out of the tin instead of finding the “right” one. I still overthink about things, and I’m considering the possibilities of one bad thing happening in particular all the time I’m writing. I do think my anxiety levels have dropped for the most part. Oh! And I went shopping the other day and bought something for me, just because I felt like it. That doesn’t really happen much. It felt quite nice. Odd. I’m also planning on having some more tattoo work done as well. I’ll show you when it’s done. And back to the nail salon on Friday for new nails. Jill would have loved me getting my nails done. 


So yeah, apart from the awful horrible bit which I had to experience, it’s been a very positive experience and outcome. That’s what my intuition told me, and that what has happened, thanks to psilocybin. This is probably the last update, but I said that last time. Tune in next week, same bat time, same bat channel. (If you get the reference I’ll be impressed!) 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The retreat

  This is going to be long, but I promised you that I’d tell you everything, so that’s what you get. Fix a tea before we start… ready? Arrived in Amsterdam and two train journeys and two hours later I arrived at the station. We had arranged for 4 of us to then drive to the retreat which was in the countryside, really nice and peaceful. The retreat was in a converted Dutch barn. Downstairs was a long table and kitchen, with bedrooms off to the sides, stairs going upon the right with bedrooms etc to the right of that, a bridge across the dining area into the session area, which was quite large, and dark.  There were 9 of us from Ireland, the UK, Netherlands, South Africa, and Poland. I was just the oldest, youngest late 20s maybe? There were two facilitators from the Netherlands. We started by handing in phones and watches. That was a difficult thing to do, and if god himself asked for my phone he wouldn’t get it, but I was here for the experience so I gave the facilitator phone...
Read more

Where do we go from here?

  Thinking back to who I was in my mid twenties to mid thirties I loved who I was. As I’ve described in the past, we were wild, carefree and happy. We had good jobs, a great social life and we were always going out to clubs and parties. I’d stand on pub tables and sing to our group of friends and they’d all join in. I loved it. I loved the attention, I loved having the confidence to do all of the things, and we were so happy. Of course there were clouds, but they just made the sky look even more blue. I enjoyed smoking weed and getting high. Oh, I do wish we had had MDMA in those days, I would have loved to take it with Jill keeping me company and keeping me safe. Those days, in hindsight, were the happiest we ever had, and of course we didn’t know it. The irony is the chosen never know they are the chosen.  But over the course of time other things took precedence and we got involved more in jobs, careers, earning money, thinking about moving to a house and doing all the adult...
Read more

The aftermath

  I’m exhausted. It’s been a long few days now, and my head is still whirling with new thoughts and ideas. But I know I did the right thing. I believed in myself, and trusted my intuition and my brain came through and worked hand in hand with psilocybin to give me what I needed. I wanted to be able to say goodbye to the past. But I’ll admit it’s still scary; so many of us prefer to live in a familiar hell rather than explore an unfamiliar heaven. Not that it IS a heaven of course, but you know what I mean.  I’ve decided that this year I’m going to take a flight in a Spitfire. I’ve wanted to do so for years, but never have, for no good reason other than to punish myself by not doing it. Those days are, I hope a thing of the past, but for the next few weeks and months I have to be really cautious not to regress to different ways, old ways which are more familiar, so I’m going to continue to see my therapist.  I’m going to start wearing more colour as well. I’ll go through m...
Read more