Pull up a chair, it’s gonna be a fun ride.

Ok, pull up a chair. I think this is a better place. Although I was still just writing for me over in Facebook, I was self censoring a bit I think. So now the gloves are off, as it were. 

Drugs

I’ve mentioned it a bit on Fb, but wanted to be a little circumspect. Despite the fact that they really don’t like talk of drugs, the number of links to drug dealers and sites is absolutely insane on Facebook. There are literally links to take you to dealers who will sell you anything, from prescription drugs to heroin and all points in between. 

I first had weed back in the day - late 80s and early 90s. I’m sure it was very different then, based on the effects I had then (laughing or talking) followed by the munchies to now, which is much more mellow and chilled. But perhaps it’s me that’s changed, I don’t know. The first time I had it was when a couple of friends (N&A) came round one night for supper, and I was out cooking. Jill came out and said “A is wondering if it’s ok to smoke weed?” Neither of us had any experience of it, but we were both keen to try it. Jill quickly found it didn’t agree with her, she would get sick and headachy. I loved it. I really enjoyed the sensations of floating and being happy. We had weed for the next few years, but then the Zone crowd of friends fell away really, and our access to it went away. I kept a small tin with some in it for years - about 20 in fact!

My friend who I’ll call Tammy reintroduced me to it a year or so ago now. And I loved it still. Oddly enough, I hate being drunk, to the extent it’s been a total of 3 times. So for those of you who have never had it, I’ll try and explain it for you. If you smoke it, the hint is almost instant. I go quite lightheaded, and feel a bit floaty. I hate relying on other people, so I found my own source, and haven’t looked back. I generally have a joint maybe once a day. Apparently that makes me a chronic user, so bite me! Usually at night. For the most part I’ve trained my brain to start thinking about my past when I’m high. It frees up my mind to cross the boundaries that I’ve set up in my head. I didn’t have a happy childhood so blanked out a lot of memories, but in order to overcome my anxiety I need to remember them. It also makes me chattier, so that’s a bit of a ghost from the past.   

However, I don’t always smoke it to remember, sometimes just to fly a bit. It’s really good for that; you just get lightheaded, floaty and happy. It’s a really nice feeling, and it’s about the only time that I ever relax; most of the time I’m strung incredibly tight. It’s not addictive and it’s not expensive. It’s also a damn sight better than the antidepressants I was on a few years back. Works great at giving you a good nights sleep, and pain relief if you need it. It’s not always great though; I can get side tracked into darker thoughts, but once you realise that it’s easy to pull yourself back. So, that was my reintroduction to weed. 

I should at this point like to point out that this is, of course a fictional account of someone taking drugs as a writing exercise. Drugs are bad and should never be taken!

Tammy is an amazing woman, and in some ways far wiser and knowledgable than I am. She managed to get some ecstasy, so we tried it. It’s a small pill, less than the size of a fingernail. I had half, but to be honest, it was a bit disappointing. Tammy was fine though; she’d been sick, which is quite common, and was getting nice and floaty. We were in my hot tub and it was late at night. Trance music was playing in the background, and I was excited and nervous at the same time. And more than a bit irritated, cos Tammy was having a great time, me less so. It was agreed that I’d have another half, and then we went and lay on my bed. It was dark, warm and perfectly peaceful. I was lying on my back, and Tammy was asking how I was, and at that moment I felt such love, peace and joy, such that I’ve never had before. The feeling came upon me like a tsunami, and I felt happy. Happiness is not something I experience that often, and certainly not like that. I felt so safe, and cherished I suppose. My arms went limp, and really heavy. At the same time, I felt wrapped in a blanket of love, and felt really warm.. it was wonderful. 

And at the same time my mind cleared and went silent for the first time that I can remember. I didn’t have 3 or 4 conversations going on at once, there were no distractions, just silence. It was like my brain had just stopped in some way, and it was, in many ways, the most single amazing moment of my entire life (with the obvious exception of my first kiss with Jill) and it was certainly the most profound. I know I’ll never have that again, and I’m not trying to! It was amazing to be able to feel that love again, after too many years. I was safe, being cared for, warm, it was dark and I was flooded with love in a way I’d never experienced. I was in love with everyone as well. It was glorious.

I know now of course that the mdma had flooded my brain with serotonin, and was depressing my default mode network.  But then I didn’t know anything at all. I trusted Tammy and that was enough for me. The feeling went on for hours, and I remember snippets of conversation, but to be honest I was so engulfed in love (ok, serotonin) nothing made sense. It was all so peaceful, gentle and calm. 

Unlike the next day however. Because all the serotonin has been used up, you really can crash badly. I felt very down and depressed, and still incredibly sleepy. The next couple of days were pretty bad as well, and I got upset over the most ridiculous things - like a photo of a hotdog! However, it doesn’t last too long, and I’ve never had it that bad since. However, to balance that out I was still contemplating how silent my brain had gone. How I didn’t care that it was really difficult to see things properly. My anxiety had all gone. And I had never, ever had that experience before. It was, quite literally, life changing for me. It made me question everything about me, the anxiety, the constant clamour in my head. I’d thought they were normal, and everyone had them, but apparently not. That led onto more thinking, until I’ve got to this point, about to explore even further. 

I was having a conversation with a friend about the experience and she mentioned something about psychedelic chocolate bars, so I got a bar. I’m going to be brutally honest here, and say it was an awful experience and I made one of the greatest mistakes of my life. It was awful. However, I did decide that I wanted to continue to explore this new world, and by now I had got my own supply. It’s basically a bar of chocolate (ok chocolate, but we ain’t talking Cadbury’s) in 5 segments. The wrapper doesn’t say anything about what’s in it other than “sacred plant medicine” so make of that what you will. I took it to mean psilocybin but I am pretty sure I’m wrong now. Which means I probably haven’t had the drug at all, and I’m planning on going all in. I honest to god can’t wait!

I had read that the best thing to do before tripping was to think happy thoughts, so there’s a ritual that I have, which is almost as important as the trip itself. First of all, have an empty stomach, since it hits quicker. Then I make sure my bedroom is really hot, the hotter the better. I will roll a joint, have some water available, a snack ready, then turn on my disco lights and get into bed. I will have had the chocolate just before cleaning my teeth.  Then I get into bed, turn on my music, which will of course be trance, and wait. Usually I’ll be on the phone to a friend, and then after about 30 minutes or so it hits. Really hard, all of a sudden. I sort of feel a draining sensation as I sink back in the bed. My body gets really jittery and then My arms get really heavy, to the point that I can’t move them, but it’s not a concern, because I’m instantly relaxed. My speech gets slurred really quickly, and very,m very slow. And my mind is at peace. Almost totally silent. It’s a little bit like MDMA, but with less of the love, but more freedom of thought. And I will tslk nonstop to my friend for hours. I make a little sense, but not a great deal. 

Eventually I know that I’m coming down because I can speak again, so say goodnight to my friend.   That’s when I have the joint. And that’s when things go supersonic. I get really high really quick, much faster than when I first have the chocolate. (I could bore you with the science, but just trust me on this, it really increases the effect.) 

I’ll still be in bed, very hot (because science) listening to trance. It’s at this shameful point I’ll usually start drug dialling and leaving WhatsApp voice notes. If you have ever had one, I do apologise. If you haven’t had one, but would like to, just drop me a DM, and you should, because I’m bloody funny! I’m usually happy and relaxed, sometimes a bit sad, but I can usually distract my thoughts by focussing on my disco lights. They turn into goldfish and sharks swimming around on the ceiling. (Tammy got a 5 minute WhatsApp voicemail on this subject once!) They are the only hallucinations I ever get. No flashing swirly psychedelic lights, nothing. Again, science reasons. But disappointing. Instead I get peace, warmth, silence and love. And I’m very happy with that. After about 6 hours, so 6am I’ll go to sleep, then be awake at 12. The rest of the day is very chill, just happy and anxiety free.

I’ve since tried different versions of chocolate bars, and also gummies. I’ve tried different amounts (2 gummies good, 3 gummies bad, very bad) and trying things such as intention setting, mix and matching, timings, that sort of thing. Now, I should say at this point I’m not stupid. I never do anything when I’m working or driving the next day. I always space things out - Chatgpt wrote me a great schedule. Is there a risk? Sure. Not a huge one, but yeah. So what? There’s risk in everything. I’m perfectly fine with it. 

So. There you go. Anything you want to ask, feel free.