Imposter syndrome, and I’m way out of my comfort zone here.

I’m way out of my comfort zone with this entry. But I’m writing it mainly for future me to comment on, post retreat. I’ve done a Q&A to serve this purpose as well. I have never felt “good enough” ever since I was a kid, but my childhood is a totally different post! I seldom find satisfaction in what I’ve achieved, and my general opinion is that if I can do something then it can’t be hard to do. So I’m going to list achievements that I’ve had, and put them all into one place. This is cringe making in the extreme for me, and I’ve never actually done it before. It feels like I’m boasting - another childhood throwback. But I’m reminding myself that I’m writing it for me, no one else, but come along for the ride if you want to. So in no particular order:

All the things I do now, teaching, training, public speaking, writing, computer work, all of it. I’ve never ever had any training in how to do those things. Lots of people have said very kind things about my writing but it honestly comes really easily to me. I just sit and write stuff. Don’t really think about it in advance, just call up a screen and start typing. I don’t proof read stuff, I don’t go back and edit anything except a typo now and then. It all gets planned out in my head as I’m writing. I suppose I could go back and polish things up but I really don’t care to - it’s not Shakespeare! I’ve never had a computer problem I couldn’t fix. I had to learn it all from scratch - never really got any help to do it, I just sat down and worked my way thru everything. 

I’ve been self employed for 30 years now. I love it. I’ve had to go out and find clients, advertise, produce content, write handouts, run sessions, keep my computers running, make money to live on and so on. I get people asking me to run courses for them as well; they come to me because they’ve heard that I’m good at what I do. And I suppose if I’ve been doing this for 30 years and I’ve kept a roof over my head I must be doing something right. Clients have included GCHQ, the Foreign Office, House of Commons, House of Lords, Scottish parliament, the European Parliament. Oxford university, Cambridge university. UCL, various universities around the country. I’ve worked for numerous charities, big corporates like Unilever (don’t work for them, I had to threaten them with court to pay me after 9 months), Deutsch Bank, various other banks. I’ve worked for library associations around the world as well as the UK. 

I was on the CILIP presidential team for four years, as Vice President, President for two years and immediate past president, a position I was elected into by the members. I talked to lots of people like ministers of the crown, providing advice. I spoke on the radio and was in the newspapers being quoted. I am I believe the only person who has done two terms (excluding wars!) as president. I spoke at conferences as President. I did my best to increase the awareness of libraries and library cuts with a series of posters which went viral and were included in an article in The Guardian and referenced by Neil Gaiman. I helped CILIP get through a really difficult financial position. I wrote 118 columns for the CILIP newsletter. I took time out of my work to visit things and attend meetings, and literally lost thousands of pounds as a result. I was named as one of the 100 most influential people in publishing by the Bookseller magazine. I gave absolutely everything to that organisation, because I believe in libraries and librarians. And you know what, they never even said thank you. I wasn’t expecting huge thanks, but some recognition that I gave that organisation 4 years of my life would have been nice. Not a thing. Nothing. I walked out of the door for the last time and they never said a fucking word. That still annoys me, and it’s quite hurtful as well. (as an aside I think anyone who volunteered to work for CILIP should have been recognised, but that’s for another post.)

I don’t really have any idea as to the effect I’ve had on people, or how I helped them. I’ve been told that I have changed peoples lives, taught them enough to get new jobs. I hope I’ve inspired people, helped them, supported them, but I have no real idea if I’ve achieved anything worthwhile like that, no idea. 

I’ve always written books. My first was in the mid 1990s, and to date I have written or edited 14 books, some of which became university text books. My advanced internet searchers handbook sold thousands of copies and was a Facet/CILIP best seller. I’ve no idea as to how many articles I’ve written which have been published in journals. Absolutely no idea; it’s never really interested me enough to make a complete bibliography. If you then throw in when I’ve been cited and referenced, I have not a clue. I enjoy writing, don’t know if I’m any good at it, but I suppose if you make money from something you’ve got to be at least reasonable at it.

I’ve travelled around the world twice, London - Hong Kong - Japan and home and London - Singapore - Australia - Boston - home. I’ve been to Peru, The USA, Canada, Iceland, England, Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland, Southern Ireland, France, Spain, Portugal, Belgium, the Netherlands, Denmark, Sweden, Finland, Norway, Germany, Switzerland, Russia, Greece, Turkey, Hungary, Jordan, the Lebanon, Egypt, Kenya, Oman, South Africa, Lesotho, India, Nepal, Sri Lanka, the Maldives, Barbados, Malaysia, Singapore, Hong Kong, Japan, Australia, and I think that’s it, but I might have missed a few out. The majority have all been for work, or part work. I’ve taught in the shade of a live, smoking volcano, had an AK47 pointed directly at me, I’ve been in the Red Sea, paddled in the Atlantic and Pacific. The only continent I haven’t been to is Antarctica. I’ve been in hundreds of cities, mostly by myself. I’ve attended functions at British Embassies.

As I said, I’ve been quoted in newspapers and I’ve been on tv as an expert, more than once. I’ve been interviewed on the radio more often than I can count. 

I love public speaking, and I’ve been on stage in front of thousands of people, down to tiny groups and I love the whole thing. I would talk on stage all day if I could. I love teaching, from one person to hundreds. I’ve spoken at conferences and had people laughing hysterically and had them in tears. It still amuses me that people pay me money to just travel around the world and talk to them. Utterly ridiculous!e

I’ve been able to spot really big trends before other people; I was just outside the first 1000 people in the uk to have access to the internet. I saw the importance of CD-ROM technology (enough to change career), I picked up in the importance of internet searching, the dot com boom and bust. I quickly saw how Web2 and then social media was going to be important, and I was one of the first people in the UK to teach people about AI, and some of those courses included stuff that no-one else was teaching because I found a tool, learned it, taught it and forgot it before other people found it. 

What else have I done? I set up the Billericay Dogs Facebook group, and we collect food for the foodbank. We collected 4 vans of pet food to go to Ukraine during the war. I’ve fought to get benches put back into our local woods so people with mobility issues can still walk around it. It’s a fantastic resource, and turned into this huge thing which has benefitted many people. I’ve lost a third of my body weight, and I weigh less now than I did 40 years ago. I’m a passable artist. I am self reliant and unemployable. I will speak up if I need to, and I don’t care who I say it to. I will stand up for what I think is right, and I won’t be intimidated. (I think that’s why I’m unemployable!) I’ve loved 4 amazing women. I’ve had the courage or foolishness to try psychedelic drugs by myself. Everything I have got or experienced has come from me and Jill and friends along the way. I’ve always been at the centre of things, be it for work or pleasure. I’ve been a leader. I survived COVID after fighting it in hospital when it nearly killed me. I’m a good friend. I do things that scare me because they scare me.  I nursed Jill through a terminal illness and held her when she died. 

I’m sure I must have done a bunch of other stuff as well. So that’s a bit of a list (I’d encourage other people to do this exercise as well, it’s really interesting!) which is fairly factual for the most part. And I’m not listing it for compliments or anything because, and this is the key point, while I can objectively look at that list it’s pretty meaningless to me. I don’t really take pleasure out of what I have achieved, and if I’m honest, despite that list, I don’t really feel that I’ve achieved anything, or that my life has been worthwhile. I look at that list and think that it’s nothing special, because if I can do it, anyone can. I don’t have all of my books on shelves, they’re tucked away in the garage  and I don’t even think I have copies of all of them and I don’t care. 

Why do I think like that? Again, without going into details, I always grew up thinking I was worthless, not worthy of an opinion or being listened to. I was never encouraged to believe that I could achieve things, and those things I did achieve were dismissed as unimportant. When I do achieve something all I feel is a sense of relief that it’s finished. To look at that this list just makes me feel embarrassed if anything. Certainly not pride. It just feels like boasting - I can’t really tell the difference. I’ll help anyone if I can, and yet never ask for help myself to do anything because I don’t want to appear weak or incapable. 

So that’s me really. It’ll be interesting to see if Post Retreat Phil thinks about it any differently.