The retreat

Love, anger and grief.

I wanted to write about grief and anger. As I described in my last post, I did get angry once or twice, but it was always anger about the situation, it wasn’t directed at Jill as a person, just at the situation we found ourselves in. But yeah, I yelled and spectactually smashed a mug. I felt guilty about that for years and it’s only recently that I’ve learned to, if not forgive myself, but at least understand a bit better and to treat myself more gently.

But you know what? It’s ok to feel anger after the death of a person you loved. The huge range of emotions is overwhelming at a time like that. Anger is a secondary emotion; you’re angry at something, or have a reason for your anger. And that’s what needs to be addressed. I was angry at Jill dying. I was angry she didn’t go to a doctor earlier, and I’m angry with me for not having been more insistent. And what’s the anger really about? That she’s not here any longer. The loss of a future together. The insane loneliness. And all of that has to come out one way or another. Jill wasn’t planning on dying, so it’s not her fault. It’s not anyone’s fault. It just IS.

And it’s taken me a long time to come to grips with all of that. But now I’m more accepting of that anger; I recognise that it’s part of the situation. And I’m also - as I said last night - going to see me in a different light. Being angry at the death is part of my life. To be honest, I’m surprised that I didn’t get angry, or show anger, more often. So rather than castigate myself for when I was angry, I’m going to be proud that I was capable of being under that much stress and still being able to function without being angry all of the time.

Having said all of that, I’m a much angrier person now than I was before Jill was diagnosed. That’s because it’s all still sitting there, waiting to be processed, and I’m not sure how to do that, because emotions are not, and never have been, my friend. But I will get there at some point. Hopefully the retreat will let me observe those feelings and accept them in a way I haven’t been able to up until now.

So this is a long and repetitive entry in my journal. And for any of you reading, perhaps this is some sort of reassurance that it’s ok to be angry at your loss, be it person or pet. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It just makes you human is all. I was talking to a friend today who lost her mother last year, and she was consumed with anger, and felt bad that she did, so it was a particularly vicious cycle. She was surprised when I told her that I am still, sometimes angry with Jill. Hopefully it made her feel a little bit better.

But yes, you will be angry with the deceased person, almost certainly. It is one of the stages of grief you go through, and sometimes it hangs around for a long time. So I’m telling myself as much as anyone else, that it’s really ok. It’s the bastard offspring of love and grief.

Oddly enough, I’m ok that she died first. Jill was tough, and she lived through the death of both parents before she was a teenager. But I wouldn’t have wanted her to go through what I have. Maybe she would have handled it better than me, I don’t know. But I’m glad she didn’t experience it. And so I’m ok with it.

As for grief generally? We all experience it to a greater or a lesser extent. I liken it to walking with a sharp stone in your shoe. Every step is agony, and it permanently changes the way you walk. But after a while you get used to it. You still walk differently, but you can still walk. Every now and then the stone moves and it’s painful, and you have to stop walking for a while. But then you get used to it again, and off you go. But it never leaves you. Grief becomes a companion that stays with you. Most of our losses are fairly bearable, and while I mourn friends and family that have passed, it’s not that debilitating in the longer term. Like love, the grief you feel is different for each person, some you adapt to, others less so. Nonetheless it’s a hard journey, and one we take alone. All we can do is learn, painfully, how to incorporate it into our lives. Grief and love go hand in hand.

So thats my experience. Yours will of course be different. And that’s ok too.