A me and a future me Q&A

 If things aren’t weird enough here as they are, I thought it would be interesting to do a Q&A of me now, and how the future Phil responds. So I got ChatGPT involved to see what it could come up with: 


Questions for You Now (Pre-Retreat):

1. What does your anxiety feel like to you right now, both physically and emotionally?

My anxiety is constant over something or another, and usually over more than one thing. It feels like a tingling or pricking all over my skin, a hot flush, twisted insides, desire to run. Emotionally it’s exhausting in every way possible. 

2. What specific moment or memory would you like to explore or understand better during the retreat?

Of course, I’d love to spend time with Jill, but I’m less interested in either a moment or memory, more a changed way of thinking about myself. If it was memories though, I’d look back into my childhood in order to find the origins of why I am who I am. 


3. If you could let go of one specific fear or belief tied to your anxiety, what would it be?

Oh, that’s easy, to let go of the feeling that I am not enough. I would like to be happy and confident in and of myself. 


4. How do you currently cope with feelings of overwhelm or panic? Are those methods working for you?

No method works really. I just whirl up into an ever larger tornado, with all the feelings I mentioned, plus a few more. My brain is locked up, entirely focused on the thought that caused the panic. 


5. What would it feel like to remember Jill—or any difficult memory—without being overwhelmed?

Oh, that’s easy. It would be the most amazing thing ever. 


6. How do you imagine peace of mind or mental clarity would change your daily life?

I would like to feel happier, more confident and secure in myself   And that would give me a lot of peace. 


7. In what ways has your anxiety held you back, and how would overcoming it set you free?

There’s a lot of things that I don’t do at the moment that I’d like to. Have more fun, go out more, stop wasting so much time and energy worrying about things I can’t control. 

8. What are you most hopeful for as you approach the retreat? What excites you about the experience?

I’m looking forward to the whole experience. Meeting a bunch of new people, and doing something just for myself. Of course, the key thing is the trip and any insights that I can get from it. 

9. What fears or doubts, if any, do you have about the retreat itself or its outcomes?

I honestly don’t have any. I’ve tripped before, I know I can do it, I know what I want to achieve and I’m just excited about the whole thing. 

10. What does success from this retreat look like to you, even in a small way?

Success would be to stop negative thoughts, not to be constricted into seeing the future in the lens of the past. To be happier with myself and my own company. To bring an end to this ceaseless anxiety. 


Questions for Future You (Post-Retreat):

1. What did you discover about the root causes of your anxiety during the retreat?

I didn’t dwell on anxiety at all. That didn’t really enter into my thinking much. It was all about the grief. 

2. Did you feel any moments of clarity or stillness? If so, how did that feel compared to your daily mental state?

There was nothing and then a whole whirlwind of feeling and emotion.

3. Did any unexpected memories or emotions surface? How did you process them?

No memories, just dealing with grief. 

4. How has your perspective on Jill or other difficult memories shifted, if at all?

I’ve got a lot of peace and understanding as a result of the experience. 

5. Do you feel differently about your fears of abandonment? What insights did you gain?

Again, that didn’t really enter into the experience at all. 

6. What tools or lessons from the retreat can you carry forward to manage anxiety day-to-day?

 Not really relevant in the end. 

7. Did the retreat challenge or change any beliefs you had about yourself or your mind?

Hugely! I was able to free myself from grief and judgement over Jill dying. 

8. How does your mind feel now when it comes to juggling multiple thoughts and worries?

I’m feeling a lot more free as a result. 

9. What do you want to prioritize or focus on in your next steps for healing and growth?

Continued self confidence. 

10. If you could say one thing to you now, before the retreat, what would it be?

It’s going to be a horrible experience but one that you just are going to have to go through. Just trust the process. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The retreat

  This is going to be long, but I promised you that I’d tell you everything, so that’s what you get. Fix a tea before we start… ready? Arrived in Amsterdam and two train journeys and two hours later I arrived at the station. We had arranged for 4 of us to then drive to the retreat which was in the countryside, really nice and peaceful. The retreat was in a converted Dutch barn. Downstairs was a long table and kitchen, with bedrooms off to the sides, stairs going upon the right with bedrooms etc to the right of that, a bridge across the dining area into the session area, which was quite large, and dark.  There were 9 of us from Ireland, the UK, Netherlands, South Africa, and Poland. I was just the oldest, youngest late 20s maybe? There were two facilitators from the Netherlands. We started by handing in phones and watches. That was a difficult thing to do, and if god himself asked for my phone he wouldn’t get it, but I was here for the experience so I gave the facilitator phone...
Read more

Where do we go from here?

  Thinking back to who I was in my mid twenties to mid thirties I loved who I was. As I’ve described in the past, we were wild, carefree and happy. We had good jobs, a great social life and we were always going out to clubs and parties. I’d stand on pub tables and sing to our group of friends and they’d all join in. I loved it. I loved the attention, I loved having the confidence to do all of the things, and we were so happy. Of course there were clouds, but they just made the sky look even more blue. I enjoyed smoking weed and getting high. Oh, I do wish we had had MDMA in those days, I would have loved to take it with Jill keeping me company and keeping me safe. Those days, in hindsight, were the happiest we ever had, and of course we didn’t know it. The irony is the chosen never know they are the chosen.  But over the course of time other things took precedence and we got involved more in jobs, careers, earning money, thinking about moving to a house and doing all the adult...
Read more

The aftermath

  I’m exhausted. It’s been a long few days now, and my head is still whirling with new thoughts and ideas. But I know I did the right thing. I believed in myself, and trusted my intuition and my brain came through and worked hand in hand with psilocybin to give me what I needed. I wanted to be able to say goodbye to the past. But I’ll admit it’s still scary; so many of us prefer to live in a familiar hell rather than explore an unfamiliar heaven. Not that it IS a heaven of course, but you know what I mean.  I’ve decided that this year I’m going to take a flight in a Spitfire. I’ve wanted to do so for years, but never have, for no good reason other than to punish myself by not doing it. Those days are, I hope a thing of the past, but for the next few weeks and months I have to be really cautious not to regress to different ways, old ways which are more familiar, so I’m going to continue to see my therapist.  I’m going to start wearing more colour as well. I’ll go through m...
Read more